Ten Reasons I Shouldn't Do Stand Up...despite how inspired I was after stand up night at Motini's

Reason number 1:

I had to title this reason, "reason number 1."

2:

I have a twin sister...but she looks nothing like me. That rules out telepathy...and Mary Kate and Ashley jokes.

3:

I live in Indiana...how many jokes can you tell about corn? It's when you switch the 'c' to a 'p,' that things get interesting. But, I can't even swear in a group larger than three...so touche, self.

4:

I am a writer. Which means, I pretend to know what existentialism means...key word being "pretend." This automatically makes me pretentious and boring. If you think about it, people that use words longer than six letters are boring...except you, Mary Poppins. Forgive me.

5:

I listen to oldies. And, when I say oldies...I don't mean semi-old, like the classic rock my dad listened to at my age (but that doesn't mean you aren't old, dad). When I say oldies...think younger than Bach, whiter than Richard Simmons, and crazy for buying war bonds. Although, I do love blues and mo-town...hmmm.

6:

Oh yeah, don't forget about the opera I love...guess that negates anything slightly cool I have going for me.

7:

I am afraid of farm animals...damn you, George Orwell. Keep in mind, I live in the 4h capital of the world, and I get hives even thinking about sheep and cows.

8:

I was going to title this list, "Thirteen Reasons Why I Shouldn't Attempt Comedy," but I can't even come up with ten.

....this is getting more difficult...

9:

When I drink Coffee, my roommate has to hold my arms down, slap me around, and tell me to "stop it with the Yoda speak!"

10:

I debated stopping at reason number nine to screw with y'all...but I think I'm going to make it to 11 for that very same reason.

11:

I was mauled by a Welsh Corgi.